So I've decided to take on a life of crime.

Not mean, hurtful crimes, but crimes of hilarity.  That don't kill.

Basically, I'm saying I don't want to be the Joker.

What I plan on doing is mildly inconveniencing people.

I plan to walk up to some dude in a dark alley and threaten him for everything he has in his pockets.  Then I'll take one key off his key ring and give everything else back to him.  He'll wonder what that was all about, then he'll get home and not be able to open his mailbox, or get into his file cabinet.

And I will laugh.


Or I'll start closing off small sections of roads he takes to work every day, just so it takes him a little longer.

Or maybe I'll turn off all the coffee machines at Tim Horton's before my mark gets there, so she has to wait an extra few minutes if she wants hot coffee.

Basically, I want to be a criminal mastermind, but I want to be one that isn't really worth arresting.

I want the superhero alliance of Edmonton to show up at my door and give me a lecture on being an all-around dick.

Could you imagine what Edmonton's superhero alliance would look like?  I can see at least one of them in Ed Hardy.  And another one wearing coveralls.  And one with thick-rimmed glasses and skinny jeans.  They would probably fight all of the time.

Okay, I am going to wrap this up, 'cause it is by far the weirdest fucking blog post I have ever written.

Woah! Did You See the Size of That Election?!

For the first time in a while, Canada had an election.  Yeah, it was long, it was hard, and when the hype and swelling went down, there was a mess all over the place and some guy with bad hair was sporting an ear-to-ear grin.

We should be happy we were able to have an election.  Heck, some places haven’t had an election in years and they aren’t always lucky enough to have some sexy country step in and give them a hand.  Not that the US is sexy, but the Statue of Liberty's robes are like, so close to falling off.  More often than not, when those countries finally do gain an election, there is a group of dudes watching everything and it just feels awkward and wrong. 

We should still be proud that we were able to maintain an election for such a long time.  Often, elections come and go without anyone really paying attention to them.  They are sometimes fleeting, a rush that lasts not nearly long enough.  They surprise everyone, and the unprepared leave hurting. 

But not this election.  This election rose gradually like an annual tulip, intimidating some and mesmerizing others. 

And we all grabbed a firm hold of this election.  We watched it pulse as we argued with one another about who is going to get the most out of it.  It was exciting, sexy, and a bit terrifying, just like the best elections.

So instead of mourning our results, Canada, be grateful we had one.  Be grateful that we got the opportunity to show everyone what a nice election looks like.  Post pictures of it on Facebook, wave it around.  If it hit you in any way, feel free to tell everyone your feelings about it for the next few years. 

Then take a shower.