How to Name Your Metal Band

  The other night, I had my face melted by some wicked metal bands, one of which was Skeleton Witch. 

  I know, sweet name, right?  I thought so too.  In fact, that is one of the many awesome things about metal – the band names.

 

  Ball-stompingly shredtastic names like Three Inches of Blood, Cannibal Corpse, and the aforementioned Skeleton Witch populate the metal landscape like landmines on my front lawn. 

  A distinctive name is crucial to any metal band’s success and longevity.  In order to be considered worthy of the title of “metal,” a band must have a name that obliterates all of the senses at once (especially smell – the name should smell like sweat, whiskey and blood).  It must grab a person’s brain by the medulla and slap it around like a scrawny mosh pit rookie.  It should strike enough fear in a person to cause heart palpitations and reproductive organ shrinkage.

  Coming up with a name that does all of those things can be difficult for anyone.  Thankfully, I have devised a simple way for upstart metal bands to come up with a name that screams “Heavy Fuckin’ Metal.”

Step 1:  Find a word that is related to death or dead bodies.

Step 2: Find another word that is related to the occult.

Step 3:  Combine.

Step 4: Shred, hit the road, grow your hair (even more), bang sketchy groupies, and die either: a) shooting heroin through your eyeballs, b) by your own pickaxe wielding hand, or c) in an onstage knife fight with the lead singer. 

  Using that formula, I have come up with a some sweet band names.  They are, as follows:

Death Coffin

Decomposing Eye of Newt

Decomposing Eye of Newt Gingrinch (for the politically charged indie metal bands out there)

Funeral Wizard

Bone Voodoo (sounds sexy, right?)

Black Cat Rigor Mortis

Potluck Dinner (alright, maybe not)

Skull Fucking Necromancer

or

The Skull Fucking Necromancers

Bloodless Stake Burnings

Salem Caskets

Bitch Titz (or maybe that would be better in the rap world)

Deathcatcher

Decapitated Pentagram

Sexy Worm Food

... And that’s about all I could come up with.  You’re welcome, kids.