In the Spirit of the Season, A Knock-off

The Night Santa Kicked Some Ass
or
The Night Before Christmas You Didn`t Hear About

`Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the home

All the screams they were muffled, (he used packing foam);

Billy and Sue tied to the sofa with care,

Hoping that the police would soon be there;

The children looked at each other, their eyes filled with dread;

While visions of what happened ran through their head.

And ma with some ether, and pa with some too,

The troublesome couple, he managed to subdue.

When up on the roof there arose such clatter;

The robber yearned to see what`s the matter.

Away to the den, he ran like a flash.

To make sure the kids were there, along with his stash.

The moon through the window, gave light to the events

That were to transpire – so fuckin` intense;

When what to the robber`s eyes did appear,

But a great cloud of ash, and some Rambo-like gear.

The ash disappeared, the robber’s heart dropped to his balls.

“Oh, hell,” he thought, “That’s a pissed off Santa Claus!”

St. Nick whistled, grinned and said to the thief,

“You’re so fucked, you’ll be shitting a wreath.”

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
Grab your guns, and Rudolph, your maul;

Tonight, we nail this Grinch’s ass to the wall!”

And like an inmate that is soon to get pounded,

The robber quickly found himself surrounded

By nine angry reindeer, who’re muscular to boot,

And that red-nosed one sure knows how to shoot.

Then in a twinkling, the robber tried to explain,

Staring at St. Nicks throbbing forehead vein.

“I needed money, I owe my bookie!”

Santa said, “To hell with milk and a cookie,

This is the best snack I’ve ever been given,

‘Cause soon, punk, you’ll not be livin’.”

“This year, while I may deliver toys

To Billy and Sue, and all the girls and boys

I’ll deliver a beating to your ass,” He said with a frown,

“Now, boys, if you will, ho, ho hold him down.”

And his eyes were like roses, and his fists like rocks,

He bore down on the thief (now squirming like a fox).

I won’t go in to detail, for it may offend some

But let this be a warning for those just so dumb,

As the robber was that night, to be naughty

(Or perhaps his timing was just plain shoddy).

You may end up like the robber, who we now know

Learned his lesson, as he was tossed in the snow.

And what happened to Billy and Sue?

Well, I thought you, and everyone else, knew!

Well, Santa set them free, and sent them to bed

Flashed a hearty smile, his beard stained with red,

Turned around, and shot away up the chute,

And into the night sky did he shoot!

And as his sleigh flew higher away from the roof,

(Now, for this you may call me a goof)

I heard him holler, as he flew over the town,

“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, NOW DON’T FUCK AROUND!”