Sarah Palin has been invading every facet of my life lately. I turn on the news and there is coverage of Palin. I go to Chapters, there is her elementary vice principal smile shining on the cover of Going Rogue. I go to any website, there are links to either her book or her possible presidential candidacy in 2012 (which would completely correspond with the ancient predictions of the end of the world).
I saw a girl dressed up like Palin at Halloween; she looked so much like her I forgot it was Halloween and ended up punching her in the jaw. Apparently, I wasn’t the first. She was getting cold-cocked the entire night, which may just prove that I am not the only one sick of Sarah Palin and her bullshit.
So here it is – the only ways Sarah “Alaskan Pipeline” Palin* could get on my good side. She could:
- . Stop blaming her political ineptitude on everyone except herself. I doubt it was Katie Couric who made her look like a simpleton on national television. There is only one person who is capable of such a feat: Sarah Palin.
2. Make an appearance at a town with some diversity. I’m not talking about the towns she prefers stopping in, where everyone considers the one guy with a tan their “ethnic friend.”
3. Stop whoring out Trig, her son with Down’s syndrome. The kid is going to have a hard enough life as it is; does he really need to be slung over her arm at every appearance all over America as a symbol of her bullshit compassion? Or a reminder of her supposed unending devotion to her children?
4. Admit she gave her kids stupid names. I don’t even have to try to make fun of Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig.
5. Get her kids to shut the fuck up. Of all people to talk about abstinence as the only effective form of birth control - Bristol? Seriously? The 18-year-old mother who named her kid (that she had with Levi Johnston, an all-around-douchebag-turned-playgirl-model) Tripp? This must be some kind of practical joke someone is playing on the teens of America. Jack Kerouac was on to something when he said that boys and girls in America don’t stand a chance.
6. Back up the attempted down-home charm with some ridiculous P.R. stunts. Some ideas:
-Wild animal fights. I’m talkin’ ‘bout wrasslin’ gators ‘n’ bears ‘n’ moose and all that. No refs.
-Pie bake-off with Cindy McCain.
-After every speech, she should emphasize her position by shotgunning a beer.
-Endorse Carhartt’s new line of lingerie.
7. Actually stop and talk to the media when they have a question. I mean the press corps, not Oprah.
8. Get hit by a truck hauling Carhartt jackets and shotguns. I don’t think that would make me like her, but I would enjoy the irony. That’ll teach her to wear a Carhartt just for appearances.
9. Admit that Going Rogue is merely a laundry list of excuses carefully crafted by her handlers.
10. Suffer a humiliating defeat at the hands of a party with a better prepared, well-spoken, considerably more intelligent presidential candidate, preferably during one of the most exciting and opportunity-filled American elections in years. Oh, wait...
For more information on abstinence-only sex education, see: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bullshit
*Check out “Alaskan Pipeline” on Urbandictionary.com, it is way funnier than anything in this rant.
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