2011: A Futurespective

Wale (pronounced "Wah-lay" to you uncouth uncools) once rapped, "That's how I start off oh-nine / kickin' in the door and I'm everybody problem."

That's how I wish I could introduce myself to this year. Unfortunately, I don't really have anyone whose door I could kick in, so I figure I will just anger a few grammarians by inventing ridiculous words (see: futurespective; uncools). Poetry.

I recently looked back at 2010, which was easy. Anybody can rant about the past, so I decided instead to rant about the year coming. I know – brave, right? Audasticles, that's what it takes.

Crystal Ballin' in 2011

Album That Will Suck Beyond All Else That has Ever Sucked Before – U2's Proposed "Club" Album

I can't say whether the album that they are making with Danger Mouse will suck or not. I love everything Brian Burton does, as he turns everything to gold (see: Beck's Modern Guilt, Gnarls Barkley, Broken Bells, DangerDoom, The Grey Album, Gorillaz' Demon Days). Chances are he may bring some energy to a band that hasn't done anything good for well over two decades.

It's the album the D-bags of Ireland are working on with will.i.am. that will undoubtedly be pure, unfiltered crap. It seems like Bono and company will pull out no stops in a desperate attempt to remain relevant in an age where their music is secondary to their celebrity.

Not that it will make a difference how bad the album is. The fact is, if Bono donned a Nazi uniform and bit the heads off kittens while the rest of the band played by the light of a burning cross, U2 would still make the cover of seven issues of Rolling Stone and sell out arenas worldwide.

Major Political Moment – When Americans Wake Up

Just kidding, this won't happen. It would be nice to see some people look at the House of Representatives and say, "Who the fuck is the guy in the fifty-gallon hat with the Tea Party logo on his belt buckle? Oh, shit; I voted for that guy? Hmmm... maybe Obama isn't so bad after all."

I figure, after congress gets around to voting on some actual legislation, voters will realize that packing a building full of backwoods evangelists, doomsday theorists, and dinosaurs wasn't such a great idea, after all. By then, it will be too late, and I will once again be grateful that I live in Canada.

Superhero of the Year – Gabrielle Giffords

I predict the Arizona representative's brain will heal and become more powerful than ever before, giving her the power of pyrokinesis. Or flight. Or both, that'd be cool. Of course, she will use these powers not for good, but for awesome. Giffords' newfound abilities will allow her to barbeque six dozen steaks at once to varying levels of doneness, save taxpayers tons of money on plane tickets, and strike fear into the loins of her opponents.

Sorry I am only writing about American politics, there is just so much happening down below the 49^th. Fine, I'll do some Canadian content, if you insist.

First Platinum Album of the Year – Nobody
Let's face it – nobody sells many copies of their albums any more, with the exception of Taylor Swift and Eminem. Certainly not Christina Aguilera – BA-ZING!

Wow, I definitely took the high road there, picking on a recent divorcee. And then not putting the accent on divorcée. Class.

I would put money on it that the first album to sell a million copies this year will be something from last year, like Taylor Swift's Speak Now.

And the Rest...

There'll probably be a natural disaster with inadequate federal response (perhaps ice tornadoes in Columbia), a celebrity will say something racist (maybe Morgan Freeman this time), massive human rights issues will go largely ignored by North America (just like whatever Christina Aguilera does this year – KA-CHING!), and I will continue to update sporadically with little regard for the nine people that may read this blog.